Guest Post: Communication is Key

Just a few days ago, my husband and I celebrated our 12 year anniversary. We went to a cozy little Inn in Connecticut and drank wine and reminisced about our years together. We have found that over the years the ability to communicate openly with a great vulnerability is what has kept our marriage strong. (As an aside I must mention that our faith in Christ is the strongest clue and the most important part, but in terms of positive techniques, communication wins!) Communication covers a wide range of topics, but since we are talking about the “spark” I will focus on the more intimate sides of communication. Every marriage has its times of strength and times of hardship. I remember back to when our son was born. With this being our first child, everything was new. Our lack of sleep and constant questions kept things quite interesting at our house. I do remember when those six weeks ended and the doctor gave us the okay to have sex. It was like we were in a period of relearning. My body was no longer my own but now being shared by a little milk drinking cutie. I could remember during that season how my husband and I talked and talked about what was working and what was not. I think the honesty in communication during this season is vital. Be honest that you are super tired and not that into love making. Even in that season we both made the conscious decision that we would stick with it… not give up… not let a month pass. It was our time to connect, to share our love together and to gain strength from one another. We have discovered that over the past 12 years that sex isn’t a chore, something that you “have to do”. It is a gift. It is the one thing that draws couples together that makes your marriage grow. Have you ever experienced the weeks when it gets put on the back burner? The constant nagging back and forth over silly things, like who didn’t buy new milk or why the trash can is still sitting in the driveway! We have also tried to jazz things up a bit in terms of where we are intimate. Not just at the same time in the evening or in the same room. It really does help to make it fun. To keep it fun. It was fun for most of us, those years before our sweet ones came along. It can still be that way. The big “but” here is that without communication, it won’t be. As wives, we must express to our husbands what we are thinking and how we are feeling. If I have learned anything it is that they just don’t get it intuitively. They are men and we are women. We are different. That is the truth. So if you want to be hugged and he has forgotten, then ASK him. If you want a date night and it hasn’t happened in awhile, just ASK him. Work may be keeping him busy and it just hasn’t been the first thing on his radar. Please don’t mistake this for him not wanting to do these things with you or for you! So that is it in a nut shell for this month’s bit of advice. Keep the communication lines open, have fun together and remember who you married, who you chose!! He’s the guy sleeping beside you each night!!! Denise currently resides in Danbury, CT with Justin, her husband of 12 years, and their 5 ½ year old son, Charlie. Denise works part time at her local church as the nursery coordinator—coordinating classes for children, infants to two years of age. In her spare time, she is perusing her passion of acting in NYC. Her goal is to do commercials and television sitcoms!

Four-by-Fore(Play) Friday

It's a long weekend ladies... plenty of time to pull off at least one of these ideas. Take advantage of the extra day that your hubby is home. I know it's really hard not to put him to work on something that needs to be done around the house, but resist the urge. Enjoy the extra day! The focus this Friday is reminding him that you can be s-e-x-y! Maybe I'm the only one who feels this way, but between bills that need to be paid, dinner that needs to be made, kids that need to be bathed... it's hard to keep that sparkle alive that you thought about all the time when you were dating. Remember when you used to think about what you'd wear for a date? Remember when surprises were something you used to try to incorporate as much as possible? Remember the tingles up your spine the first time you held hands or kissed? Try to go back to that time and relive it! Here are four ideas to help get you there:

• Before he comes home from work, change your clothes. Sounds simple enough, but change into something that you know he likes - anything except the t-shirt and shorts that you wear all day long. During the day it's fine for a baby to cry and wipe their nose on your shoulder, but for heavens sake, put on something else before he comes home! Spiff it up a little.


• Feed the kids first and save dinner for the two of you for after they are in bed. Spread a blanket on the living room floor and eat dinner like a picnic. Even if you just order pizza, light some candles, break out the wine and have a real conversation (read: no TV)


• Whisper in his ear. Anything is sexier when it's said as a whisper. I would encourage you not to ask him to take out the garbage as a whisper though. Give him 'some ideas' for after the kids go to bed - or even just let him know that you think he's hot. This is an easy one, and takes virtually no time at all but will make a big difference to him.


• Say to him "I'm going to take a shower - wanna join me?" This activity is best when it's hot outside - otherwise you're left fighting over who gets to stand in the water stream longer. Wash each other too - there's something sexy about someone else sudsing you up.

There you go ladies. Four ideas for the long weekend. You have to eat, you have to shower, whispering is easy and getting changed will make you feel more attractive and look more attractive. No brainers - just try it!

Going to Bed Angry

Recently, a favorite game to play at bridal showers has been the Give-the-Bride-Unwanted-Advice-Game. Without fail, some great aunt says sweetly, "never go to bed angry." Dutifully, I have taken this advice. And, like clockwork, it fails every time. Looking back, there is nothing worse than dissecting a communication issue (otherwise known as wife wanting hubby to help around the house more and hubby wanting to play Final Fantasy 4) at 11:30pm. If I have learned nothing from wifehood, I have definitely learned early in motherhood that I am a terrible grouch when tired. Which is basically anytime before my morning coffee and anytime after 9pm. As calm as I may be throughout the evening, while my honey ignores the dishes or can't find a way to talk on the phone AND fold laundry at the same time, it all builds up to the 11pm Mrs. Pooey (as I like to call my grouchy self. Everything is Mr. or Mrs. Pooey these days). Last night, I finally figuratively gave the finger to those great aunts and their well-meaning but terrible advice. At 11pm, I felt the unpacked suitcases, dirty litter boxes, and impending in-law's anniversary dinner (hosted by yours truly) build up inside Mrs. Pooey. My Honey was innocently oblivious to it all and, after helping with the baby, enjoyed some game time and caught up on his DVR. Instead of nagging, lecturing, or starting a fight at 11pm, I decided to turn a new leaf. I calmly got into bed, rolled on my side, and let the fuming thoughts drift me to sleep. At 6am, as I woke to hear our 5 month old stirring, I happily rolled over and spooned with my hubby. Tonight he said the sweetest words a wife can hear, especially with a dinner party for 10 happening in two days: "Can you make me a to-do list?" "Why yes, Honey, I certainly can."

Keepin' it Hot with Hubby - Guest Post

Okay Ladies, we all know how this works. Kids are bathed and in bed. We breeze through the rest of the house in an attempt to clean up from the day, get a few things ready for tomorrow, and if we're lucky do something on our "to do" list that needs our attention. Then we call it a day. Maybe I'm the only one this happens to but it seems that my comfy pillow is the trigger for my eyes to become too heavy to hold open, and soon after my head hits the pillow it's lights out. So much for any time with hubby, intimate or not. This is a simply crazy idea for "keepin' it hot with hubby". TAKE A NAP. Bear with my fuzzy logic... the whole reason we're married to this handsome man that inhabits the same bed and is the father of our beautiful and brilliant children is because we love him. And if we love him, we want to spend time with him (harken back to childless days). And if we plan on spending time with him... a twenty minute nap does wonders. So what if something doesn't get done as we planned if we nap while the mini-me sleeps? It can wait for tomorrow, and your husband is sure to love the time that you planned on taking with him sans children. In our household I try to take a nap in the afternoon while our little girl naps at least once a week. Sometimes I have to rearrange dinner plans, or try to accomplish something while she's awake to be able to take that little snooze; but my hubby really appreciates that I was thinking about spending time with him earlier enough in the day to take that nap so that my pillow is no longer calling my name that night. As for the "hot", I'll leave that up to you. Mandy is the wife of Eric and the mother of Anna (15 months). She also has another baby on the way, due in March. Guess the 20 minute nap idea works! : )

Four-by-Fore (Play!) Friday

In light of the recent episodes of Jon & Kate Plus 8, I think it's crucial that we all do something as often as possible to show our husbands that it's not all about the kids all the time. Over and over, Jon and Kate both keep saying that the kids are the most important - but I wonder if they would be in a different marital position right now if they had made each other the most important instead - or God most important for that matter! We're all busy, I get that, but I want to take the opportunity on Fridays to present you with four suggestions for making your hubby feel like your #1 man again. Pick one, or two (or all four if you're feeling ambitious!) and try to work it in some time during the week. We need to start thinking of foreplay as a marital muscle that needs to be exercised.

Which one(s) will you pick this week?

• Next time you're at the grocery store, pick up a few things that you know he loves. Pack him a lunch and add a short note along the lines of "a few of your favorite things because you're MY favorite thing."


• Go for a walk with the kids and hold his hand. Even better, if your kids are old enough, let them ride their bikes ahead of you so you can have an adult conversation while holding his hand. Don't let it be about finances or the details of life either. Try this question: "If you knew you wouldn't fail, what kinds of things would you do with the rest of your life." Remember when we used to have conversations like that back in the dating days?!


• Do a chore that he normally does (take out the garbage, bathe the kids) and tell him that you wanted to give him a break for working hard all day.


• If you're a stay at home mom, thank your husband (look him in the eye so he knows that you're genuinely thankful) for going to work and being the financial provider for the family.

Some of these are basic, but it never hurts to be reminded to do something special, no matter how big or small a gesture, for your husband - who needs to be more important to you than your kids.