Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Guest Post: Communication is Key

Just a few days ago, my husband and I celebrated our 12 year anniversary. We went to a cozy little Inn in Connecticut and drank wine and reminisced about our years together. We have found that over the years the ability to communicate openly with a great vulnerability is what has kept our marriage strong. (As an aside I must mention that our faith in Christ is the strongest clue and the most important part, but in terms of positive techniques, communication wins!) Communication covers a wide range of topics, but since we are talking about the “spark” I will focus on the more intimate sides of communication. Every marriage has its times of strength and times of hardship. I remember back to when our son was born. With this being our first child, everything was new. Our lack of sleep and constant questions kept things quite interesting at our house. I do remember when those six weeks ended and the doctor gave us the okay to have sex. It was like we were in a period of relearning. My body was no longer my own but now being shared by a little milk drinking cutie. I could remember during that season how my husband and I talked and talked about what was working and what was not. I think the honesty in communication during this season is vital. Be honest that you are super tired and not that into love making. Even in that season we both made the conscious decision that we would stick with it… not give up… not let a month pass. It was our time to connect, to share our love together and to gain strength from one another. We have discovered that over the past 12 years that sex isn’t a chore, something that you “have to do”. It is a gift. It is the one thing that draws couples together that makes your marriage grow. Have you ever experienced the weeks when it gets put on the back burner? The constant nagging back and forth over silly things, like who didn’t buy new milk or why the trash can is still sitting in the driveway! We have also tried to jazz things up a bit in terms of where we are intimate. Not just at the same time in the evening or in the same room. It really does help to make it fun. To keep it fun. It was fun for most of us, those years before our sweet ones came along. It can still be that way. The big “but” here is that without communication, it won’t be. As wives, we must express to our husbands what we are thinking and how we are feeling. If I have learned anything it is that they just don’t get it intuitively. They are men and we are women. We are different. That is the truth. So if you want to be hugged and he has forgotten, then ASK him. If you want a date night and it hasn’t happened in awhile, just ASK him. Work may be keeping him busy and it just hasn’t been the first thing on his radar. Please don’t mistake this for him not wanting to do these things with you or for you! So that is it in a nut shell for this month’s bit of advice. Keep the communication lines open, have fun together and remember who you married, who you chose!! He’s the guy sleeping beside you each night!!! Denise currently resides in Danbury, CT with Justin, her husband of 12 years, and their 5 ½ year old son, Charlie. Denise works part time at her local church as the nursery coordinator—coordinating classes for children, infants to two years of age. In her spare time, she is perusing her passion of acting in NYC. Her goal is to do commercials and television sitcoms!


theansellfamily said...

Hey Beth! I just wanted to let you know that I just nominated you for "best blog" at http://pregnant.thebump.com/extras/mommy-blog-awards/articles/stay-at-home-mom-mommy-blog.aspx
You should go to that site and get a "Nominate Me" button to put on your blog so others will know to nominate you as well.

Elise said...

I completely agree with Denise. We as women get so caught up in reading into things the wrong way. Like, he worked late, that must mean he doesn't want to spend time with me, or he never plans a date night, that must mean he doesn't want to go out with me, or he doesn't initiate sex, he must not be turned on. Men and women are totally different, and without communicating openly and honestly, we'll be misreading each other and growing further apart. If you are hurt by something your husband does, or doesn't do, talk about it, don't bury those feelings, because they will grow into bitterness and resentment in time. What we see men say or do and what is actually going on in their brains can be two totally different things. Talk about it.