Two Reasons to Start Posting Again...

Owen and Eli.

They turned two less than two months ago and we are in the depths of power struggles, tantrums and control issues. The biggest issue we've been dealing with lately occurs every night at dinnertime. They hate their highchairs/being strapped down but they don't want to sit in a seat like a big boy. They have suddenly become uber-picky eaters too. They will literally put both hands over their mouths to block the food while they shake their heads back and forth in refusal. The infuriating thing is that they have to be hungry!

We're trying to figure out how to handle dinnertime without turning it into a power struggle. If they won't eat, do we just take the food away and make them go to bed hungry? Should they go straight to bed or be allowed to play? Should we give them their dinner at breakfast until they finally eat it? I don't want to be super stubborn about this, but I will not make toddler-popular dinners for them just because they won't eat what we're having. I want us to enjoy eating dinner together and right now, it is not an enjoyable time.

Please tell me that we're not the only ones with picky eaters. What do you do? What strategies have you tried that have worked or failed? What's the hardest you've ever come down on your kids over a power struggle issue? I know that trying to force them to do anything makes them 100% less likely to do it - so what are my options? Comment Comment Comment!!

Discipline Dots

If you've ever watched Jon & Kate Plus 8 (when it was on... so sad), you know that their kids know exactly where to go for Time Out. They have a little rug near the front door that the kids sit on until they are told that they can come out. There is no ambiguity in where they should be, or whether or not they can wander around. Their designated space is the size of a welcome mat and the kids respected the boundaries of the rug.

My friend Lisa (visit her at www.etsy.com/shop/navymango) has come up with an awesome idea called the Discipline Dot (or Naughty Spot!) These adorable circles are made of two different colors of fleece and are easy to take on the go. You can have one on each floor or keep one in the diaper bag to use at Grandma's house or on play dates. It stops you from having to search for an appropriate place to put your child when you want to keep him or her from the rest of the group. Sometimes there aren't any available corners. Problem solved! You can train your child to respect the boundaries of the Discipline Dot whether you're home or away. And at only $6.99 per dot (plus shipping), they are an amazing item to own.

This makes me wonder... if your kids are of 'disciplining age,' what do you do for time outs? How long do you keep them there? What conversations do you have afterwards? What do you use time outs for (versus other punishments or just giving a warning)?

From Thanksgiving to Tantrums...

Calling all moms with kids old enough to have thrown tantrums! I need your help!

The boys are getting to be possessive, opinionated, emotional kids. If one takes a toy or book from the other or starts standing too close, if they can't get a puzzle piece to fit in the correct spot, or if I take something (like the phone) off of them, a full out screeching tantrum usually begins. Eli is especially bad, throwing himself into a back bend and practically hitting his head off the floor or wall. They are the happiest kids if you let them do what they want, but when that includes trying to open the cabinets under the sink or playing in the toilet, obviously they have to be stopped.

So what do you do?! I have been laying Eli down on the floor (so he doesn't hurt himself) and just walking away. The crying doesn't last long, but their reaction when things don't go their way is so over the top that it drives me nuts!

I have a feeling that this is just a fact of life, but does anyone have any tips that have worked to ease the pain of tantrums? Even things that have worked in specific circumstances (like when a puzzle piece won't fit) would be helpful!

Stash the Stash

Do you wonder how to keep your kids (or yourself!) from downing candy bar after candy bar after Halloween? I have been hearing some great restraint ideas from other moms that I couldn't help but share. The Great Pumpkin/The Sugar Witch Let your kids pack a small sandwich bag of their favorite treats from the evening (pack one for yourself too!) Put the rest of the loot in a bowl by the front door/the fireplace/the kitchen table and tell your kids that The Great Pumpkin (or the Sugar Witch) is coming tonight to take all the extra candy to a local food bank to share with other kids. In exchange for their 'generosity,' The Great Pumpkin leaves a small toy for each child. Thanksgiving Countdown Calendar Create a countdown calendar similar to an Advent calendar. As you open the door for each day leading up to Thanksgiving to eat the candy that day, talk about what you are thankful for and what your kids are thankful for. This will help to spread out the sugar consumption over many more days. Unload! When we were kids we would plan our route so we could stop back home and unload our loot, lighten our load and run even faster to each house. While we were gone, my mom would sort through the candy and use the kinds that we didn't like as much to give out to other trick-or-treaters. We all know that if it's around, we're going to eat it, even if it's not our favorite... so why not be the house that gives handfuls of candy to the kids and get rid of the pieces that you don't like as much. Ask your kids before they go what their two favorites are, keep those and give all the others away (like jawbreakers - I mean c'mon, who wants a jawbreaker?!) Do you have any good ideas for decreasing the candy consumption for your little ones or do you overlook the extra sugar because Halloween is only once a year? What did your parents do when you were a kid?

Should the Punishment Fit the Crime?

I would like to preface this post by saying that, though almost half of you checked the 'discipline' box in the poll, my kids are still young enough that I haven't necessarily had to test out any of my discipline theories. That being said, I was a teacher for 3.5 years and used a number of discipline tactics on high school aged kids that worked. Three year olds are probably another story. So with that, please understand that my Discipline posts will be ideas to try - but not necessarily road tested by me with my kids.

You've heard it said: "the punishment should fit the crime," but as I thought about that saying, I started to wonder if "the punishment should fit the 'criminal'" instead. If you have more than one child, you inevitably know that they are inherently different. They have different temperaments. They have different attitudes, different interests, different soft spots. Knowing this, you can probably guess that a punishment to one of your kids is not necessarily a punishment to the other.

For example, let's say you have an extrovert and an introvert on your hands. If they both throw a toy, and you tell them both to go to their room, the extrovert might be in agony while the introvert is in heaven. You see, sending an introvert into a secluded environment isn't punishment, it's exactly what they prefer. Maybe a better punishment for the introvert is that they aren't allowed to *fill in the blank* (do puzzles, read books, listen to their iPod...) for a certain amount of time instead.

You need to be fair in your punishments, but fairly punishing two kids is not the same as identically punishing them.

The catch is that 'fairly punishing' your kids takes a lot more work! It's easier to tell them to go to their room or put them in time-out or spank them, but to fairly punish your kids, you have to know what makes them tick. You have to really know your kids.

A friend of mine has a three year old that she calls 'particular about cleanliness.' She went in to check on him only to discover that he had used his new birthday markers to color all over the paper, the table, and himself in the process. For him, the perfect punishment for 'the crime' was to not let him wash his hands for five whole minutes. You might as well have been torturing him! In her words, "he must have apologized 12 times that night; it was easy." He'll think twice about coloring on himself next time, whereas if she would have cleaned him up and tossed him in his room for a time out, it wouldn't have been nearly as effective.

My challenge to you is to get to know your kids. Know them well enough to reward them in ways that they would truly appreciate and punish them in ways that would be truly effective to them as individuals.

Taking a Vow of Yellibacy

Are you a yeller? Do you think you will be when your kids are old enough to really push your buttons? Do you hate it when you realize that you're letting a three year old ruin your attitude for the whole day?

Do you want to turn into one of those crazy 'Walmart moms' who yells and swats at her kids for the smallest infractions because she's at her whits end? I doubt it.

The good news is that you don't have to be a lifelong yeller... and the better news is that you can break the patterns of your own childhood. Just because your mom was a yeller doesn't mean you have to be. Just because you've been a yeller to date, doesn't mean you have to continue. Here are a few tips and tricks - the first five are from the article, the last three are mine - to put you back on the path to sanity and sanctuary:

1. Recognize your child's limits. Are you getting upset at something that is developmentally normal, like pulling all the books off the shelf or dropping their sippy cup off the side of the highchair 15 times in a row? Take a breath and realize that this is normal for their age and stage, but celebrate when they grow out of the phase! Patience can really pay off with this one, and there will be hundreds of teachable moments in the process.


2. Bite your tongue. Are you yelling requests (and answering requests) through rooms or floors of your house? Are you calling them for dinner by yelling up the stairs? Are they shouting back that they want "5 more minutes Mom!"? Break the cycle and institute a new rule: If I can't see you, I can't hear you. Make sure that you follow the rule too, even when it's easier and faster to yell.


3. Devise a battle plan. Are they same things enraging you every day? Fighting over toys? Getting out of bed at nap/bedtime? Pulling the dog's tail? Think through the things that really irritate you during the day (decide whether or not you're overreacting!) then decide on a consequence specific to the problem. Telling the kids that you'll take the toy away if they can't play nicely together with it might work. The author of the article took all the stuffed animals but one away from her son the first time he got out of bed, and took the last one if he got out again. She says that there's rarely a time that she has to take the last one. Thinking of consequences that fit the action will also teach your kids (and you!) about cause and effect, communication and self-control.


4. Make a chore chart. Many times, morning routines can leave a mom at the end of her rope. No one is moving fast enough, something is always missing, everyone is running late. Can you wake up sooner to give more breathing room? What about a sticker chart that tells kids everything they need to do in the morning? What about having bins for each child to contain everything necessary to leave the house with (hat, mittens, shoes, pacis, blankies, etc). Make one for yourself too so you don't get frazzled with the kids when you can't find your keys, cell phone, purse or diaper bag.


5. Drop a decibel. Whisper when you're mad. "Not that quiet hissing/Vulcan death-stare thing," but just speak calmly through a whisper. Kids will be curious enough to lean in and listen when you whisper.


6. Make it a game. Kids love competition. If you challenge your kids to see who can get ready the fastest, clean up the most toys, (be quietest the longest!), you'll be amazed at how few complaints you get in the process. When my mom used to tell us to clean up our toys, she would time us for 15 seconds at a time and we would guess how many times it would take for all the toys to be cleaned up. Can they beat their own record? Try it!


7. Feed them (or yourself!). It's amazing how your attitude can change when you need a snack. You're cranky, your patience is low and you feel out of sorts. Your kids are the same way. If you notice that they are always acting up (and causing you to yell out!) at the same time each day, try giving them a little snack 15 minutes beforehand. And the same goes for you. You can't get through the morning on just coffee and expect to have a full cup of patience too. This goes for interacting with your hubby too - have a snack before he comes home and you'll be surprised at how much more sociable and friendly you become.


8. Realize that kids can become too accustomed to yelling. This is probably the most important tip to keep in mind. You want your kids to stop and notice when you're yelling, so save it for the important reasons to yell: to stop them from touching the hot stove or running into the street, for example. If you're always yelling at your kids, they won't realize a 'danger yell' from an 'everyday yell.' Save it for the big stuff.

Who is with me in taking a Vow of Yellibacy?!

This post is a summary and review of the article "You Make Me Want to Shout" in the December 2008 issue of Parents Magazine